Monday, August 27, 2012

{questions i do not have the answers to}

"You must be so relieved."

This is the most common thing people say when they meet Augie: that we must be so relieved.

Relieved to not be pregnant anymore? Ab-so-lutely. I rather enjoy seeing my toes again.

Relieved that he is here? Heavens yes. Nine months is a long time.

But this is not what they mean.

Relieved that it didn't go like Avram's delivery?

Relieved that Augie doesn't have Avram's medical diagnosis?

If I say "oh yes, of course," what does that mean?

Does that mean I think that Avram's quality of life is lesser, that his arrival was less sweet, his path an undesired one? Does that mean I wish Avram wasn't...Avram?

If I say "no," well, I sound like a crazy person.

We prayed for a healthy baby with Avram, we prayed for a healthy baby with August.

Were our prayers only answered once, or were they answered both times?

If once, then what happened the other time? Did we do something wrong...did Avram? Were our prayers not sincere enough, not frequent enough, not pure enough?

If once, why would God only answer our prayers for one of our boys, but not the other?

Is that how God works?

I don't believe so.

So how does He work?

I believe He hears, and I believe He answers. I believe He loves both of my boys. I believe He is gracious, and compassionate, and close to the broken-hearted, and just.

I believe, but I do not understand.