Thursday, February 23, 2012

{the working out of all things}

Yes, it's true. A new Beer is entering the world.

Originally the plan was to wait until Avram was walking, but well, you know how plans go. I will be 14 weeks along tomorrow, and between the ultrasound a couple weeks ago and my jeans no longer zipping it is all starting to feel very real. Avram is taking 3-4 "lunging" steps at a time, so we are making good progress. But this mama needs him to walk soon, people. He is one heavy little dude.

I walked in to my first OB appointment with head held high, with the Peace that passes all understanding. But still, when the doctor first held up that fetal heart rate monitor it took every ounce of internal fortitude to not rip it from her hands and chuck it across the room.

We've been told, time and time again, that Avram's condition is not genetic, just spontaneous. Just something that "happened." 


My doctor had me see the high risk specialist in the practice just to be safe. The ultrasound went great, the little peanut is one gorgeous little symmetrical pod. The doctor answered all my questions, questions about pregnancy discomforts, what activities and foods to avoid, and hospital policies. They both answered all the questions that they are equipped to answer.

But those are not all the questions.

What if something is wrong again?

What if it's even worse this time?

I don't know if we could survive that again.

Or what if nothing is wrong? What if this baby is perfect? If he or she is, will I always be harder on them because they don't have the challenges Avram has? Will they be patient with their big brother, will they be on his side? Will having a "normal" hospital stay make me mourn again the rough start that Avram had?

There are a lot of questions the doctors can't answer, many fears they cannot calm.

I know, with a deep Knowing, that everything will work out for good. I know it. I know that no matter what, it will be good. I know that everything with Avram has worked out for so, so much good, and will continue to. There is a deep, deep knowing; a deep, deep emphatic "yes" to all that the future holds. We will have each other, we will have our family, we will be four hearts that love each other. I can't wait to meet another member of our little tribe.

But sometimes it's the working out, it's the waiting that's just so awfully hard. There are still questions, still thoughts late in the night, still flashbacks of pain. The working out is tough, it is the stretching of the clay, the waiting of the seed to sprout, the pruning of weeds.

It is a good hard, a strengthening hard, and so far know, we are waiting--in the midst of the hard--for the working out of all things.

All things for good.


Gail said...

Wonderful post Cassie, and I'm so stoked for you with this new baby! I can only imagine the thoughts swirling through your head as you wait for his/her arrival.

I thought of a book a friend just mentioned the other day when reading this post and wanted to recommend it as I think it'd be one that would strike a chord with you:

Wishing and praying for a perfect delivery for you come summer!

amber said...

Hey, lately I've been struggling with the idea that Luke and I's little buddy will be healthy. So far the only thing crazy have been my health issues. I'm excited that we are bringing our first born into the world, but what if there are crazy struggles and hardships to overcome. What if this one isn't medically 'perfect'? What if he ends up being amazing and wonderful in every aspect? Being a parent leaves you full of every question imaginable for the rest of your life. Luckily I have my brother who has taught me so much about medical overcomings. His brain isn't perfect, but God called him to be all the same. And my sister and other two brothers who have learning disabilities... they are in the same bracket. I'm resting in the fact that I know I may not be ready for this, but the Lord who has enough grace and mercy to sustain the universe will be holding my hand through every venture of this young one's life that I'm able to be a part of.

I'm so excited for you! Prayers and support flowing your way!