Thursday, December 16, 2010

{one year ago today}

One year ago today, I shot out of bed like a kid on Christmas morning: by the end of the day we would know if our little peanut was a boy or girl.

One year ago today, I watched my husband's eyes fill with tears as he saw that precious baby's heartbeat for the first time.

And then, I saw the ultrasound technician's face crease with concern, and I heard the gravity in my doctor's voice.

One year ago today, I called my parents, who were expecting a phone call of joy and celebration. I had to tell them, while choking on tears, that something was wrong with our baby boy.

One year ago today, I laid on a table in a Level II Ultrasound room, clutching J's hand so hard I felt like I would fall through the floor if I let go.

One year ago today, I let God have it. I prayed the most angry, questioning, fear-filled, doubt-filled, frustrated, pleading prayer I have ever offered up.

One year ago today, they told us this baby wasn't worth keeping.

One year ago today, I didn't think I would ever see today.

But today.


Today, I woke up to the sound of a babbling baby, giggling in his crib.

Today, I watched my seven-month old bubba roll across the living room floor all by himself.

And I saw the joy in his face, the ever-growing curiosity in his eyes.

Today, I talked to Avram's physical therapist, who said that everything he is doing is age-appropriate, who said that he is her only patient who does something new every time she sees him.

Today, I laid on the floor with the Little Man while he cooed and sang and gnawed on toys with his two brand new teeth.

Today, I rocked that baby to sleep for a nap, and prayed the most grateful, humbled, faith-filled, peace-filled prayer I have ever prayed.

We still have a long journey ahead, but today...

We made it to today.

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. he does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans.

He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
Romans 8:25-28, The Message


Gail said...

Oh Cassie, this is so beautiful. That might be one of the most beautiful passages of the Bible I've ever read. (I'm embarrassingly bad on knowing the Good Book all that well)

Congrats on making it this far. Here's to many more milestones in the months and years to come.

It's me, Betsy! said...

My eyes are filled with tears. What a difference a year makes. He will continue to amaze us!!!

Love you!

jan proy said...

I'm not surprized but bursting for you because 38yrs ago in your grandpas church we received the miracle and no ugly side affects all the drs. ordered. It made me the women of faith I am today miracles Our Father gives generously Today the ugly tried to raise its head in his life again and as I cried out to God all night he said yes again I will save. Merry Christmas and keep on believing your Father always gives his best!!! Love you and your family Bob and Jan Proy

Miss G said...

Oh Cassie! I just came over from your comment on one of Ashley Ann's posts just to see if you were a Cassie who I know and I got to read this post. Wow! I am so touched and moved and PROUD of you two and your families for persevering, for making it to today for not giving up on your child when you were told that the baby wasn't worth keeping. That very phrase just brings me to tears. What do they know? What do they know about worth in God's eyes? I am so happy for you that you are experiencing joys with your sweet little one. Our boys are close to the same age and boy, is life fun right now. Blessings! Good to "meet" you. Kelly