Tuesday, March 29, 2011

{tiny red balloon}

Somewhere deep in my chest, in the center of my rib cage, in the space between my lungs, is a tiny red balloon.

Most of the time it is deflated: just hanging, empty, unnoticed.

But whenever Avram cries too hard, or is too quiet during breakfast, it puffs up just a little. When he is fussy or has a slight fever, it inflates a little more.

When I stupidly google information about his conditions, a little more air gets blown in. When he misses a milestone or doesn't want to do his exercises, the balloon gets bigger still.

When he has a seizure, the balloon sucks up all the air in my body and fills my chest.

Little by little the tiny puffs blow up the tiny red balloon, until I can't breathe, or think, or eat. It squeezes my lungs and makes my mind race and tightens up all the tiny muscles in my neck.

But then I have a good cry with God, and the balloon deflates a little. I read some Psalms, or the Book of John, and it deflates a little more.

I hug my husband and rest my head on his shoulder, and the balloon gets smaller still.

I see that baby smile, I hear him laugh, I watch him slide like a snake all over the apartment, I taste his apple juice-flavored cheeks, and I forget, once again, about the tiny balloon.

It's always there, and I doubt it ever won't be. I am learning that life is much more little-by-little than big leaps at a time. Little by little the tiny red balloon becomes tinier, and tinier.

Little by little.


two sevens clash said...

Hi, I stumbled over your blog and just wanted to say that your writing is wonderful and that I think you guys are doing a great job! I know since I have a 7month old little guy with schizencephaly and hydrocephalus, what a roller coaster ride this all is. But for sure, our little miracles are "wonderfully and fearfully made!" Prayers for Avram. Anna mom of Leo. www.leoclement.blogspot.com

Netta said...

Crying again at your beautiful ability to live life moment-by-moment with Jesus and to them translate that into words so the rest of world can be better because of you.
I love you, CassiO!

it's me, Betsy! said...

Perfection in a post my sweet.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog and I love your heart. Vel Faxon

Anonymous said...

You are an incredible mom to Avram and an amazing servant of God. I've been following your blog since the Sun-Times article and pray for your family often. God bless you all! Tina M.